I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Randomize
