my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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