it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
