I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize