I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
