I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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