Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
