is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
