Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Randomize
