I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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