I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
