how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Randomize
