if i can run in heels then i can drive
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
