this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
