she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
