One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
