me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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