did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
