He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Randomize
