Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
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