I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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