At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
