I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I need water and some morals
Randomize
