The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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