Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
