Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
