Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
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