I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Randomize
