she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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