Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
