i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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