I can't watch pbs sober anymore
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Randomize
