I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
