Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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