I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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