WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
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