I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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