I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Everything about him screamed your future.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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