She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
