Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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