ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
