new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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