He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
