I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
