I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
