remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
