You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
