I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Randomize
