I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
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