Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize