life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
