dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
