She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
zippers are such a cool invention
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
