I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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