Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
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