I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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