he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
